why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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