eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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