there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
