Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
