At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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