Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
