You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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