Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
