My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
