on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can I color on your dick again?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
