It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize