My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you had me at cake vodka
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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