He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize