I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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