I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need water and some morals
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
