Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
