my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I am naked and annoyed.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
