Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
