I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
