He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
