You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
