Where is the hickey?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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