he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize