My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
