you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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