We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
