do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
