I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
