im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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