....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
sarcasm needs its own font
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
