Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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