someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
