i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We are all done wearing pants today
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
