im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
