I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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