Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My vagina just clenched in fear
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
