i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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