I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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