I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
