Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
