I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
