i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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