On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
