U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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