so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
