the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
