I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm like, not good at living.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
