Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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