i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
