just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
this boner is exhausting
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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