Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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