when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
