We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
