Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize