All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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