one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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