omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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