i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
