my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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