i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize