I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
