Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
