I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
