i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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