Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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