the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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